A Letter to Myself After Disclosure
What I Wish I Knew at the Start of My Healing
Dear Bookenders,
When I started this Substack, I promised you real, raw, behind-the-scenes stories. Suff I don’t always share on my blog. This post is definitely that and I thank you for allowing me the space to be so vulnerable.
There’s something incredibly powerful about looking back on a time in your life that nearly destroyed you… and then realizing it didn’t. Instead, it made you stronger.
Years ago, after I’d clawed my way through the worst of betrayal trauma following my husband’s disclosure I wrote a letter to myself.
That letter was my way of honoring how far I’d come and gently reminding myself that I didn’t want to fall into the world of denial or enmeshment again.
The gift of hindsight showed me that having three recoveries: mine, his, and the relationship’s helped to make us whole again. And counseling. Lots of counseling. If you see yourself in this letter, I hope you find what works for you, too. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all here. This journey is yours to shape. You do what works best for you!
Dear Me,
I’m sorry you just found out about DH’s online affair. I’m sorry it wasn’t “just porn.” But I’m grateful you found that backbone of yours, because you’re going to need it again soon.
Please listen to your guardian angel when she says DH is an addict…because he is. I know that’s hard to hear. You’re in denial right now, and your world is about to be turned upside down. But listen: you can handle this.
You’ve been through some tough shit in your life, but now is the time to stand strong and focus on you and your children and not on him.
Listen to your guardian angel. She’s in your life for a reason, and she won’t be here long. She’s telling you about S-Anon, Candeo, Recovery Nation, and counseling for a reason.
Every fiber of your being wants to zero in on DH’s behaviors, his problems... and soon, his affairs. Yes, there are more. But they’re not about you. They’re about him: his disconnection, his avoidance, and his inability to go deep. You’ll get into that in therapy. Right now, your time is better spent on healing and not obsessing over him or the women.
Trust me, the addiction caused him to see the women on screens as objects. It’s you that’s giving them power. It’s you who’s making them larger than life. And by doing that, you’re damaging yourself.
You can’t unsee the things you dig up.
There’s a piece of wisdom you told DH:
“If you spent as much time on recovery as you did on your addiction, you’d be so much further along.”
Now look in the mirror, Laura.
After that second disclosure day, you spent so much time obsessing over his screens, his emails, his every move. Then you moved on to obsessing over his recovery. But if you had poured that energy into your healing, you would’ve felt healthier and stronger so much sooner.
I’m begging you: reach for support. Stop isolating yourself. And please, get off that toxic website. It’s feeding unhealthy thinking, and that’s not who you are.
Surround yourself with people who believe what you believe:
It’s okay to vent. It’s not okay to bash.
This won’t be easy. You’re in for some hard tests. But you’ll get through it with the help of your mentor and counselor.
Hang in there. You’ve got this. Your real change begins when you dive into your healing and eventually, your emotional sobriety.
Love,
Me.
Even now, this letter gets me emotional. Not because I’m still in that pain, but because I remember that version of me so vividly. The one who isolated for too long. Who surrounded herself with the wrong people (even if they were online). Who had a quiet breakdown in her kitchen. Not dramatic, but just enough to know:
This isn’t working. I need help.
And finally, I got it.
Going through that journey with my husband was humbling. I realized I had my own shit to figure out in my own sobriety journey. I needed to sort out my FOO issues, maintain boundaries, learn how to manage my emotions and feel good in my own skin, and…yes, you guessed it, I was introduced to emotional sobriety.
I didn’t write that letter to shame myself. I wrote it to honor the moment I chose me. The moment I realized I was worth the effort and I needed to do it.
If you’re going through it right now, I want to tell you something that took me way too long to believe:
You can get through this. You can heal. And you’re not alone.
My husband and I have a great relationship now. Not a perfect one, because whose is? But it’s no longer consumed by addiction talk (his or mine), circular arguments, or poor communication. We turn toward each other, we use check-in conversations when we need to, and honestly? We have a ton of fun together.
A Gentle Challenge (Bookenders Style):
Try journaling through one or more of these:
What would you write to your past self today?
If you stopped monitoring your loved one’s recovery, where might your energy go instead?
Who is supporting you and how can you lean into that more this week?
Subscribe for more tools and tips whether you’re in recovery, healing from betrayal trauma, or loving someone through it.
I’m also exploring a free Bookenders online chat space, and I’d love to know if that’s something you’d want to be part of. Just head to bookendsofrecovery.com and fill out the contact form to let me know.
Til next time!
Warmly,
—Laura